Inner Experiment Day 4: Falling In Love Again (with my creativity)
Yesterday was my emotional detox day.
If you read about it then you know the climax was me crying on the eliptical trainer at my gym. It felt good though, so much better than the anxiety and racing thoughts that had been pushing me away from my emotions.
Today was a totally different sort of experience.
It started with this wild dream I had this morning about Robin Williams (no, not THAT kind of dream). He was dying and my Mom and I were supporting him through it. I said to him, “we’ll stay with you. We’re not afraid to go where you are going.”
Why Robin Williams? Well, probably because he reminds me a little bit of my Dad, who was almost as outrageous. And why was Robin dying? Perhaps because yesterday I spent some time with my mother in law, who just moved into an assisted living center because of dementia. I’m watching her fall apart moment to moment and it is bringing back memories of my Grandfather, who did not know who I was by the time he left, and my Dad, whose mind stayed sharp but whose body literally fell apart piece by piece (from chunks of skin to his heart and kidneys to his leg, which was amputated below the knee).
I cried this morning again, telling my Mom about it and thinking about change and loss and bodies and minds failing…and everyone, ultimately, leaving these bodies behind.
So how could this be a GOOD start to my day? Because it told me that I’m up for the journey, whatever is coming. “We’re not afraid to go where you are going,” I said in the dream. Because we’ve been there, my Mom and I. We held my Dad’s hand when he was screaming in his post-amputation delerium. And we felt his soul leave his body when he died. So I knew, after processing this dream, that somehow I will always find the strength and grace to get me through, as long as I am present and true to what is real. And that there is beauty in what is real, however uncomforable and difficult it may be.
After my morning meditation I went outside to a glorious sky: wispy clouds and a tangerine glow lighting up the bare trees in the east. It reminded me of western Ireland, my soul home and that brought a smile to my face because I just finished the website for the spiritual tour I’m doing there next summer.
I felt lighter and freer all day.
And then….the breakthrough. I spent an hour writing down all of these incredible new ideas. Life changing ideas. World changing ideas. And I feel excited and happy, remembering that THIS is what I’m here to do, to create….to heal myself…and help heal the world through what comes through me…AND that the creativity lives in those forlorn and forgotten parts of who I am…the parts that get pushed to the side in the drive of my day to day life.
I’m not going to pretend that I’m done with all of this. One day of emotional detox does not mean I won’t fall apart again. In fact, I’ll probably do it later this week.
It’s not like these are new lessons for me (I mean, I TEACH this stuff….wouldn’t you think I would remember it moment to moment?) But these last few days have been an important reminder of how flawed and fragile I am…and how strong and beautiful too, in my messiness. We are all strong and beautiful when we are true to who we are. That’s the wonderful thing about being human. It’s the cracked and crazy pieces that hold much of our brilliance.
I wrote a poem several years ago about an inner encounter I had with the Reaper, the aspect of life that cuts down what has served its purpose so that it can be transformed into something that better serves the soul in the next part of its journey. A few of the lines from that poem came to mind today:
Last night I called upon the Reaper
to show herself to me….
She called me out of my accomplishments
and into my insecurities,
out of understanding
and into the unknown…
Last night I called upon the Reaper
To show herself to me.
Instead she showed me
my complex self:
the wonderful and
the terrible altogether
in this person who is me.
Last night I called upon the Reaper
to show herself to me.
She called me out of pat answers
and into the tension of opposites
out of duality
and into the Wholeness
where I found Her—
in, and all around me.
©1998, Kimberly V. Schneider
So tonight I’m sitting companionably with both the wonderful and the terrible parts of of who I am, calling them all to gather and commune around the same table. And I’m feeling so much appreciation for the aspects of self I push away again and again….because they never fail to return to me, like the most devoted and loving dogs, as soon as I make space for them. I don’t deserve the creative juice they give me, but they offer it anyway. Blessed be.
Peace of the lengthening nights to you,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
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December 17th, 2009 at 10:11 pm
This is the sentence that brought huge feelings for me, I literally FELT the truth in your words: “… the creativity lives in those forlorn and forgotten parts of who I am,…the parts that get pushed to the side in the drive of my day to day life.”
it reminds me of the parts of me that are also hidden away in order to fit more easily into other people’s lives, and yet that is a disservice to me and ultimately to the rest of my world as well.
December 19th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Kim – I want to thank you for describing the actual experience of flowing through different emotions and responding to the synchronistic events that seem always to be there to help, if we can just notice them. Poetry, dreams, encounters with people – and the ways in which our bodies speak to us – all these creating a rich wholeness that more of us are learning to allow. I’m astonished to realize as this year closes how many friends I have made who are living this way and sharing their personal experience of that. Dark and light, especially honoring of the dark. May your own candle continue to burn brightly. Love and appreciation, S