Inner Experiment Day 5: Who Is God Being Right Now?
The fast from multi-tasking, visual media and reading continues.
This week I successfully bought some Christmas gifts in a bookstore without reading anything, an incredible feat considering that for me, walking into Borders during a hiatus from reading is somewhat akin to an alcoholic hanging out at a bar.
I’ve caught myself reading the backs of magazines and books, advertisements and flyers before I became aware of what I was doing.
Now, please understand, I’m normally a huge proponent of reading. I have a library in my home. Reading a huge and captivating novel is one of the great pleasures of my life. And the new information gained from certain books can expand the mind and shatter paradigms. But what I’ve been noticing about myself during this ”inner experiment” is a tendency for my mind to try to fill the space, always seeking to avoid the emptiness. When I go back to reading and media consumption, I want to do it with much more awareness of the motivation behind my choices.
At breakfast yesterday I was sitting with my daughter Bridget at the counter in our kitchen. We were listening to Celtic Christmas III and enjoying a slow moment over oatmeal and tea before I took her to school. Usually I would fill this time with reading, cleaning or answering an email while I waited for her to eat.
Because I sat down with her instead, sans book or other distractions, I noticed the way Bridget’s curls cascade out of her ponytail. The sweet little indentation where her neck meets her hairline. The flush in her cheeks. Her heartbeat, sure, steady and visible on her throat. And I realized, God is right here, right now. God is present to me in the living being of my daughter, who I have fought so many times and for so many years to keep here with me…always afraid of losing her to the heart condition that has led her in a dance with Death.
The striving and straining, the rushing to fill the time with one more thing to cross off of my to do list, the constant drive to fill the space with something…all ways to avoid the fear of losing what is most dear to me. And in the process, I am cutting myself off from the connection I’m scared of losing. Crazy, isn’t it?
And, even having this realization yesterday morning did not stop me from getting into a self-inflicted panic in the afternoon over nothing…brought on by trying to fit a 45 minute task into a 15 minute space of time.
So today my focus will be to move through each moment with more awareness and compassion for all the ways my ego seeks to avoid pain. I’ll look for God wherever I am, instead of surrendering to the trap that my happiness lies in the future or after I finish one more task. I’ll focus on being an “instrument of peace,” as St. Francis says. And that begins with the peace I create in my own soul. The peace that comes from being compassionately present to all (including myself) in the moment.
Blessings of the empty space to you,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Email this post