Ireland: Land of Shapeshifters and Dreamers
I’ve always been fascinated with ancient civilizations.
As a child one of my favorite books was a Childcraft Encyclopedia volume about the seven wonders of the ancient world. I started reading adult historical fiction books about Rome, Greece, the Holy Land and Celtic tribes before I turned 10. I majored in Classical Studies in college, taking 30 hours of Latin and continuing my fascination with cultures that had thrived thousands of years before I was born. More recently my focus has been on Celtic spirituality, which I’ve studied and taught for over a decade.
I suppose I succumbed a romantic notion that the spiritual life of ancient people had more immediacy and relevance than in the modern world, where we are constantly distracted by technology, information, celebrity and “news.” Some part of my soul was longing to slow down, to be more present, in deeper communication to the Divine on a moment to moment basis.
Last summer I discovered a place where the old magic I imagined still lives: western Ireland. It awakened something in me that has continued to grow.
Before Ireland I had visited the Catacombs and the Duomo, cried before the Peita, marveled at Michaelangelo’s David, floated through the Blue Grotto on the isle of Capri, prayed with other seekers in the Current Room where John of God works, watched rainbows stretch across the sky in Hawaii and seen many other wondrous places.
While each of these experiences shaped and moved me, never before have I felt the same connection with the numinous that I felt on the west coast of Ireland. Perhaps it’s cellular memory (I’m part Irish), yet I think it’s more. It’s the way the sky and the landscape change from moment to moment, mirroring your own inner shifts. It’s looking out from the cliffs at Dun Aengus and imagining that Tir Na Nog is floating out there, just beyond your sight. It’s listening to Irish voices raised in song, whether around a peat fire, at the local pub or standing next to a towering cairn on the Burren.
This summer I’m returning to County Clare to revisit the magic and facilitate a weeklong workshop on exploring the edges of your soul through Celtic spirituality and landscape. Want to come with me? You can read more about it here: www.KimberlySchneider.com/trips
Slainte,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Email this postOuter-Focus Disorientation
Yesterday while sitting at a stop light I had a momentary feeling of panic as I felt my car start to roll backwards. Before I could think about what was happening, my hands gripped the steering wheel more tightly, and I was stepping harder on the brake.
And then I realized, I wasn’t moving at all. It was the bus next to me. As it began to roll forward, my brain incorrectly registered that I was moving as well.
What a great demonstration of outer-focus disorientation! When my awareness is on something outside myself, it alters my reality and throws me off balance based on appearances that have nothing to do with me.
Of course, when we are driving, a certain amount of being aware of what others are doing is appropriate, yet how often in life do we get thrown by what is happening outside, instead of staying grounded in our own energy?
I had a bodywork session this week with Marilyn Eagen (the hormone harmonizer…she’s amazing!) and we talked about the fact that many energetically sensitive people are experiencing overwhelm right now as we’re taking on the collective anxiety and angst of the outer culture. I told Marilyn that whenever I center myself and connect with the Divine, I’m fine. It’s only when I let myself get pulled into the collective intensity outside of me that I feel off. So Marilyn gave me an exercise to do, which I’ll share with you now:
Tap the outer edges of your hands together several times, while repeating your name. The spot you’re looking for is on the side of each hand along the edge, about an inch below where your pinkys meet your hands. I notice as I look at my hands that this spot runs right between my hands’ heart and head lines, which is interesting. Anyway, I’ve been doing that several times a day as a physical reminder to stay grounded and focused on what I want to be creating instead of allowing my energy to get pulled off course by anything happen outside of me. It works!
As we move in to 2010, I invite you to surrender whatever stories and outer appearances deprive you of your power. Breathe. Go inside. Tap your hands! And ask yourself: What do I want to create in this coming year? Why do I want to create that? How does that feel? How does it feel RIGHT NOW? And then bask in that energy as the wheel of the year turns once again.
Peace of the turning year to you,
Kimberly
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Inner Experiment Days 10-12: The Epiphany
It’s December 28th, the “3rd day of Christmas” according to the ancient calendar. Christians used to celebrate the Nativity for 12 days following the Christmas feast (thus the song The Twelve Days of Christmas). So we’re really only 1/4 way through Christmas!
The culmination of Christmas, arrives on the 12th Day. January 6 marks the Epiphany.
In common vernacular when we say we’ve had an epiphany, we mean we’ve experienced a profound, life altering insight. The word comes from the feast marking homage to the Christ child by the Magi, exceptionally learned men who were masters in astronomy and astrology (back then, the two schools were not in conflict!) , philosophy and likely alchemy as well. That these three men would travel across the world bring costly gifts to a poor infant who was born in an animal shelter was a a recognition that things aren’t always as they appear. In fact, the Magi knew something hugely significant had happened: this tiny, uncelebrated, unknown child carried an enormous, planet-altering consciousness.
Whether or not you celebrate Christmas, the story has a significant lesson for us all.
The Divine may not appear as we expect…
Robed in triumph,
Armed with Power,
Basking in Sunshine.
Sometimes, the Mystery awaits us…
Cloaked in Humility,
Laden with Frailty,
Dreaming in Darkness.
Humility, frailty and darkness were certainly part of my Inner Experiment. And it was in making space for that the magic happened for me again. In fact, it’s still happening.
It has been a joyful holiday. Bridget dressed up like an angel for the Christmas tableau at church (and then took the costume off again before Mass began…) and Maddie played her clarinet for Joy to the World and Hark the Herald Angels Sing. We had one of the happiest and most relaxed gatherings with family ever. David’s Mom was sharp and in good spirits. The presents Santa brought are still strewn all over the floor.
I also faced some difficult feelings during the last few days of the experiment. Free floating anxiety that woke me up in the middle of the night a couple of days before Christmas. An ache in my heart walking into certain rooms at my parents’ house and wanting so much to turn the corner and see my Dad sitting there. The disruption of Bridget’s regular schedule and the excitement over Santa’s impending arrival brought about a few tantrums for her. And David and I had a silly spat on Christmas morning.
The interesting thing is, none of these things took away from the joy that also came with the holy days. In fact, it seems I’ve been feeling everything more deeply. As I allow myself to be present to painful feelings (instead of giving into the judgment that I should “know better” than to feel this way), I am also rediscovering an expansive happiness.
I can’t tell you I’ve found The Answer…the magic key to happiness and ease once and for all. Quite the opposite. The Inner Experiment reminded me that this human journey is not about arriving or getting it all “figured out.” It’s not about perfection (not even a perfect Christmas…)and it’s not about rising above pain.
Instead, like the Vedic stories of the mystics who were able to encounter beauty and peace while meditating in charnel grounds (the areas in India and Tibet where bodies were left to decay), I am getting a glimpse of joy. The particular joy that runs through everything when I surrender my resistance to the experiences my ego doesn’t like. And even there, I see the need to release resistance to my resistance, judgment of my judgment.
As I emerge from the Inner Experiment into these days of Christmas, I’m already having my own Epiphany, and it is this: I am a beautifully messy person. I am capable of great insights and terrible blindness; big love and harsh judgments. I have a heart that wants to heal the world… at the same time it wants to protect itself from being hurt. And sometimes I hurt others out of that desire to avoid pain.
And when I can have compassion for that imperfect, messy self….I am so much more capable of the great love and service to which I aspire.
So here I am, engaged in Christmas. I am moving through life with a little more patience, slowness, awareness and peace.
I pray that you find whatever it is you are looking for during these holy days. And I pray for myself that I will remember to enter into my vulnerabilities, next time I am numb to the magic.
Christmas Blessings,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Inner Experiment Day 9: A Messy Day…
Yesterday I was, quite simply, a mess.
David’s Mom went into assisted living 12 days ago because her memory loss and failure to eat have made it dangerous for her to stay home by herself .
She lives just a few minutes away in a beautiful facility where she has her own apartment and gets wonderful care. When we stop by to see her she usually seems well but the last couple of days she’s been calling us crying and asking to go home.
Yesterday we found out that she has Alzheimer’s.
I called her nurse to discuss what else we could be doing for her and then spoke to David about steps to relieve her anxiety. I answered Bridget’s questions about why Grandma was sad. All the while I was my best clinical, professional self, slipping into the mode I have used with counseling clients and while managing medical care for my Dad and Bridget.
It was only later, when I had my session with my radio coach, that I realized I was not as “together” as I thought.
Brad was giving me some constructive criticism on how to improve my show (which I usually take in stride), when I started crying.
Watching David’s Mom fall apart is painful.
It was a fragile day.
My heart hurt. Physically hurt. And then yesterday evening I watched myself eating tortilla chips and dip while watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Not exactly the poster child for conscious eating.
So I went to bed at 8:30, hoping to wake up feeling a bit better.
And you know what? I do.
As I am present to the sadness and the fear I see that they are held within a much larger container of joy and wonder for this gift that is my life.
The focus for today is appreciation.
I give thanks for my Mother-in-law and the time we have with her. I notice that David took the trash out this morning. I marvel at his ability to tend to these small things in the midst of all he has to do for his Mom. My heart is full as I think about what an advocate he is being for her, and how tender he is.
I smile as my eyes catch the “letter from Santa” that arrived in our mailbox for Bridget yesterday. I see Maddie sleeping the morning away and I delight in the fact that I actually LIKE this teenage person. I look at the medical bills that are coming in from Bridget’s cardiac catheterization and I give thanks for her life.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’ll be with the people I love most, those who live in bodies and those who are present in spirit. I will sing and pray, laugh and cry, remember and hope. I will be present to my messy self.
I’ll likely post the results of the last two days of this Inner Experiment after Christmas. Meanwhile please know that I hold you in my heart with deep appreciation for journeying with me through this process. I would love to hear about your own inner experience has been!
Peace of these holy days to you,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Inner Experiment Day 8: Space for Connection
Writing this as the sky turns pink through the bare branches in the backyard. Today was the winter solstice; tomorrow the days will begin growing longer again. Fascinating to ponder that the light is growing even as we in the northern hemisphere enter into the coldest time of year….and the hard and seemingly desolate ground hides innumerable seeds that will begin stirring far beneath the surface in just 6 weeks or so. Beautiful metaphors for life. Nothing is ever as it appears on the surface; we need to dig a little deeper to understand the true meaning.
This inner experiment has invited me to dig deeper into my life and the rewards are already bountiful. What an important reminder that surface level living is like fast food….seems to meet a need yet offers nothing of real value. In my day to day life I have often stuffed myself on information only to leave my soul starving for nourishment.
Last night to mark the approaching solstice we turned off all the lights and I sat with David, Maddie and Bridget for 3 hours in the family room in the glow of a fire and a multitude of candles. When was the last time we all sat and talked, just talked, for 30 minutes, much less 3 hours? It was delicious. Everyone but me was skeptical of the idea and yet within a few minutes we were talking about favorite Christmases and memories of our Dads (David and I both have fathers living on the other side of the veil). Maddie reminisced about the riding toy Santa brought when she was 3 and Bridget talked with excitement about dressing up as an angel this week for Christmas Eve mass. Later Maddie started teaching Bridget some clapping games and they were laughing together, all the enmity of the afternoon forgotten.
None of this would have happened had we reverted to our regular evening routine. And today the sweetness of that connection lingers, reminding me that human connection requires slowing down and making space. Nothing is so urgent, no task more important than a shared memory or a laugh between sisters. These spontaneous joys cannot be manufactured. Yet we can create a container for them to happen by cutting out the seemingly urgent yet ultimately empty distractions that pull us away from the real meaning of the holy days, and of life: Finding the Divine in another face. Remembering who we are.
The sun is saying farewell and the sky is now a deep rosy wash.
It looks like compassion to me.
Peace of this longest night to you,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Inner Experiment Day 7: Awaiting the Invincible Sun….
I’m posting today’s results early because I’m getting ready to head into preparations for the Solstice….
Tomorrow is the winter solstice, which marks the longest night and the shortest day of the year.
Tonight at sunset my family will turn off all the electric lights. We’ll operate by fire and candlelight until tomorrow morning, when I’ll go out to greet the sun as it rises.
I love connecting with the holy days of the earth. They transcend religion, because they celebrate our shared experience as co-habitants of our planet. We may have different perspectives, histories, stories and experiences, but the earth’s relationship to the sun and the moon impact us all.
The ancient Romans celebrated “Sol Invictus” or “the unconquered sun” on December 25, to mark the lengthening of the days after the winter solstice. Later the Christian Church decided to place the feast of Jesus’ birth on December 25, linking Christ to the sun and ”the light of the world.” So marking the Solstice is a lovely opening into Christmas.
Each day my heart is growing lighter. The pull to go deeper into my encounter with mystery increases as I continue the Inner Experiment. I’m feeling quiet and contemplative. I’m playing with conscious eating, bringing awareness to all the ingredients in my food. The tuna salad I ate for lunch became a dance…a dance with the energy of the fish whose gills inhaled cold and salty water and the cucumbers absorbing nourishment from the soil and the warm sun.
Today I am crying more easily, and laughing more spontaneously too.
I’m coming back home to myself. I haven’t felt this centered since I left Ireland. Good to know that I don’t need to leave the country to remember who I am.
So I’m off to sit in the darkness and await the return of the Unconquered Sun. Peace of the longest nights to you,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Inner Experiment Day 6: Peace and Joy in this Moment
Yesterday my focus was on being an instrument of peace.
Early in the afternoon I caught myself being critical of someone during a conversation with David. “I guess that doesn’t contribute to peace, does it?” I said. As soon as I consciously invited peace into the situation, I began to feel differently about the person. In fact, I woke up this morning praying for her. And I feel differently about myself too, because I never feel happy inside when I give in to that (almost irresistable) temptation to connect with one person by cutting down another. It shrinks us all.
Later in the day I received some disappointing news. For the first time in a few months, I did not go into reactive mode. I let myself feel the hurt. And then, miracle of miracles, my mind said to me, “take this to prayer and meditation; seek the meaning of it. You know that everything that happens in your life is an answer to your heart’s deepest longings.”
Now that’s something I would tell my clients. I know it intellectually (I write and teach about it, for goodness sake!) But I have been letting my mind run my consciousness lately (until this inner experiment). So it was a real gift to feel my Essential Self emerging naturally in the space I created by clearning out some of the internal clutter.
Aaaah…that feels so much better! I went on to have a lovely evening with my family, shopping for gifts, listening to holiday music and enjoying wonderful food, all the while feeling the spirit of Christmas enveloping me. I kept smiling with the particular joy that comes from being present.
I don’t know yet about the meaning of the news I received yesterday. So I’ll spend today seeking direction while I continue to prepare my heart and home to receive Christmas.
Wishing you the blessings of an emptier mind,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Inner Experiment Day 5: Who Is God Being Right Now?
The fast from multi-tasking, visual media and reading continues.
This week I successfully bought some Christmas gifts in a bookstore without reading anything, an incredible feat considering that for me, walking into Borders during a hiatus from reading is somewhat akin to an alcoholic hanging out at a bar.
I’ve caught myself reading the backs of magazines and books, advertisements and flyers before I became aware of what I was doing.
Now, please understand, I’m normally a huge proponent of reading. I have a library in my home. Reading a huge and captivating novel is one of the great pleasures of my life. And the new information gained from certain books can expand the mind and shatter paradigms. But what I’ve been noticing about myself during this ”inner experiment” is a tendency for my mind to try to fill the space, always seeking to avoid the emptiness. When I go back to reading and media consumption, I want to do it with much more awareness of the motivation behind my choices.
At breakfast yesterday I was sitting with my daughter Bridget at the counter in our kitchen. We were listening to Celtic Christmas III and enjoying a slow moment over oatmeal and tea before I took her to school. Usually I would fill this time with reading, cleaning or answering an email while I waited for her to eat.
Because I sat down with her instead, sans book or other distractions, I noticed the way Bridget’s curls cascade out of her ponytail. The sweet little indentation where her neck meets her hairline. The flush in her cheeks. Her heartbeat, sure, steady and visible on her throat. And I realized, God is right here, right now. God is present to me in the living being of my daughter, who I have fought so many times and for so many years to keep here with me…always afraid of losing her to the heart condition that has led her in a dance with Death.
The striving and straining, the rushing to fill the time with one more thing to cross off of my to do list, the constant drive to fill the space with something…all ways to avoid the fear of losing what is most dear to me. And in the process, I am cutting myself off from the connection I’m scared of losing. Crazy, isn’t it?
And, even having this realization yesterday morning did not stop me from getting into a self-inflicted panic in the afternoon over nothing…brought on by trying to fit a 45 minute task into a 15 minute space of time.
So today my focus will be to move through each moment with more awareness and compassion for all the ways my ego seeks to avoid pain. I’ll look for God wherever I am, instead of surrendering to the trap that my happiness lies in the future or after I finish one more task. I’ll focus on being an “instrument of peace,” as St. Francis says. And that begins with the peace I create in my own soul. The peace that comes from being compassionately present to all (including myself) in the moment.
Blessings of the empty space to you,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
Inner Experiment Day 4: Falling In Love Again (with my creativity)
Yesterday was my emotional detox day.
If you read about it then you know the climax was me crying on the eliptical trainer at my gym. It felt good though, so much better than the anxiety and racing thoughts that had been pushing me away from my emotions.
Today was a totally different sort of experience.
It started with this wild dream I had this morning about Robin Williams (no, not THAT kind of dream). He was dying and my Mom and I were supporting him through it. I said to him, “we’ll stay with you. We’re not afraid to go where you are going.”
Why Robin Williams? Well, probably because he reminds me a little bit of my Dad, who was almost as outrageous. And why was Robin dying? Perhaps because yesterday I spent some time with my mother in law, who just moved into an assisted living center because of dementia. I’m watching her fall apart moment to moment and it is bringing back memories of my Grandfather, who did not know who I was by the time he left, and my Dad, whose mind stayed sharp but whose body literally fell apart piece by piece (from chunks of skin to his heart and kidneys to his leg, which was amputated below the knee).
I cried this morning again, telling my Mom about it and thinking about change and loss and bodies and minds failing…and everyone, ultimately, leaving these bodies behind.
So how could this be a GOOD start to my day? Because it told me that I’m up for the journey, whatever is coming. “We’re not afraid to go where you are going,” I said in the dream. Because we’ve been there, my Mom and I. We held my Dad’s hand when he was screaming in his post-amputation delerium. And we felt his soul leave his body when he died. So I knew, after processing this dream, that somehow I will always find the strength and grace to get me through, as long as I am present and true to what is real. And that there is beauty in what is real, however uncomforable and difficult it may be.
After my morning meditation I went outside to a glorious sky: wispy clouds and a tangerine glow lighting up the bare trees in the east. It reminded me of western Ireland, my soul home and that brought a smile to my face because I just finished the website for the spiritual tour I’m doing there next summer.
I felt lighter and freer all day.
And then….the breakthrough. I spent an hour writing down all of these incredible new ideas. Life changing ideas. World changing ideas. And I feel excited and happy, remembering that THIS is what I’m here to do, to create….to heal myself…and help heal the world through what comes through me…AND that the creativity lives in those forlorn and forgotten parts of who I am…the parts that get pushed to the side in the drive of my day to day life.
I’m not going to pretend that I’m done with all of this. One day of emotional detox does not mean I won’t fall apart again. In fact, I’ll probably do it later this week.
It’s not like these are new lessons for me (I mean, I TEACH this stuff….wouldn’t you think I would remember it moment to moment?) But these last few days have been an important reminder of how flawed and fragile I am…and how strong and beautiful too, in my messiness. We are all strong and beautiful when we are true to who we are. That’s the wonderful thing about being human. It’s the cracked and crazy pieces that hold much of our brilliance.
I wrote a poem several years ago about an inner encounter I had with the Reaper, the aspect of life that cuts down what has served its purpose so that it can be transformed into something that better serves the soul in the next part of its journey. A few of the lines from that poem came to mind today:
Last night I called upon the Reaper
to show herself to me….
She called me out of my accomplishments
and into my insecurities,
out of understanding
and into the unknown…
Last night I called upon the Reaper
To show herself to me.
Instead she showed me
my complex self:
the wonderful and
the terrible altogether
in this person who is me.
Last night I called upon the Reaper
to show herself to me.
She called me out of pat answers
and into the tension of opposites
out of duality
and into the Wholeness
where I found Her—
in, and all around me.
©1998, Kimberly V. Schneider
So tonight I’m sitting companionably with both the wonderful and the terrible parts of of who I am, calling them all to gather and commune around the same table. And I’m feeling so much appreciation for the aspects of self I push away again and again….because they never fail to return to me, like the most devoted and loving dogs, as soon as I make space for them. I don’t deserve the creative juice they give me, but they offer it anyway. Blessed be.
Peace of the lengthening nights to you,
Kimberly Schneider
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
12 Days of Christmas Inner Experiment: Day 3, Emotional Detox
Have you ever done a cleanse? You know, the kind where you eat only veggies or juices or some healthy concoction for several days, perhaps supplemented by herbs for detoxing? I’ve done it many times and the bummer is, somewhere around the 3rd day all the crap in your system that’s been trapped in your fat and other mysterious places begins to emerge to create havoc in your body. Intense food cravings, headaches, digestive trouble…your skin might even turn an interesting color as your liver dumps bile. It’s not a particularly fun experience but you hang in there because you know what’s on the other side: clarity, renewed vigor and a healthier immune system.
I had a similar experience today but the detox was emotional rather than physical. All the feelings and thoughts I’d been (unconsciously) running away from by keeping myself busy are now showing themselves because I’m no longer distracted by multitasking and constant information seeking.
I was feeling a little unsteady all day yet I didn’t really dive into what was happening because I was absorbed in finishing next week’s Christmas show for my radio program. Then I went to the gym. I could feel the tension in my neck and shoulders so I asked if they had an opening for a massage. No dice. Then I decided to head to the steam room. Out of service. I thought I was going to lose it. But I opted for the dry sauna instead, where I met a woman who was commiserating about the steam room being down. “Yes,” I said, “I was really looking forward to it because I’m feeling a little stressed.” “You wouldn’t believe what happened to me,” she said. “When I walked in tonight I found out it was Wednesday. Now, that’s a problem, because I am supposed to be at a business meeting right now but for some reason I thought today was Tuesday. The meeting is an hour away. I could never have made it so I just came in here. I can’t believe it. I never do anything like this. I’ve been beating myself up ever since I got here.” “Have some compassion for yourself,” I heard my voice saying. “Nobody’s perfect.” Hmmmmmm…..now who really needs to hear that one?
I went up to the cardio room and got on the eliptical machine. My iPod went into shuffle mode and I heard the voice of David Whyte, one of my favorite poets, teaching on self compassion. I’m paraphrasing here, but essentially he said, “make a feast for all the parts of who you are. Welcome those pieces that have had their noses pressed to the window, and even the ones who never made it to the house at all. Don’t say to them, ‘you’re not welcome,’ or, ‘we’re only having rice today.’ Feast them. Feast them all.”
Whyte read a poem by Derek Walcott, Love after Love:
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the others welcome,
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Next track: Sinead O’Conner singing Gregorian Chant with some Irish monks. I feel myself deepening, breathing again. Really breathing.
Shuffle to the next track, which hits me like a tidal wave: Johnny Mathis singing O Holy Night, my Dad’s favorite Christmas song. I can hear Dad singing with Johnny in his clear, Irish tenor voice. He’s been gone for 17 months, and yet he is there in my head, pure and strong as if he were sitting beside me.
The tears come. Right in the middle of the gym, people all around me, music blasting, bright lights shining. And me, falling apart on the eliptical. It’s about time. Maybe now I’ll be broken open enough for some real Christmas to get in.
Peace of a good cry to you in this holy season,
Kimberly Schneider
www.KimberlySchneider.com
www.facebook.com/kimberlyvschneider
